(Clearwisdom.net) I wrote this article six months ago, however, because of my selfishness (failing to look within) at that time, I did not submit it. After the exposure of atrocities at Sujiatun some practitioners became afraid. Therefore, I would now like to share with these practitioners and discuss the issue in hopes that my experiences might help others.

I learned Falun Gong in March 1999. I set very high standards for myself. I spent all of my time studying the Fa, practicing the exercises and spreading the Fa. I stopped reading any other books, newspapers or magazines (besides Zhuan Falun). I also stopped watching television programs and movies. Even during meals I did not waste any time. However, as I was very busy with my business, and my reading was rather slow, I still did not have that much time to read the Fa. Besides listening to Teacher's lectures a lot when I was driving and attending group Fa-study, I had only read Zhuan Falun four times by the end of 1999 when I went to Beijing. I had little time to read many of Teacher's previous Fa lectures.

After the persecution began on July 20, 1999, I became even more steadfast in safeguarding and validating the Fa. I risked losing everything to clarify the truth and save sentient beings. Since practicing Falun Gong is actually perfectly legal in China, why was I detained more than thirty times and cruelly tortured? I almost lost my life twice. Some practitioners that are not yet solid on the Fa might think, "Didn't Teacher fail to protect me?" I'm suggesting, let's calm down to study the Fa and look at my notions and deeds at that time. Were they within the Fa?

1. A Righteous Heart Will Not Cause an Incorrect Mind

Teacher said,

"What I just addressed are some problems resulting from practitioners' inability to conduct themselves properly; that is, those problems are caused by an incorrect mind." ("Your Mind Must be Right" from Zhuan Falun)

I am one of the people Teacher described. The reason that I was detained dozens of times was because my thoughts were not righteous. At that time I thought that since I was detained every New Year's Day, Chinese Lunar New Year, May 1st International Labor Day and October 1st ("National Day"), that it showed that I was a steadfast Dafa practitioner. I thought I was a true cultivator who had let go of reputation, self-interest, and the feelings of everyday people. I felt that I was really great. During the time when I was in a "strict control group" I encouraged myself with the sentence Teacher said in Zhuan Falun,

"Those who go to Tibet sincerely in search of the Dharma may settle down there once they arrive--those are true practitioners."

My thoughts were absolutely wrong. The one thought that could bring about different consequences was taken advantage of by the old forces. As a result I was repeatedly jailed. Teacher also said in Zhuan Falun,

"There is a principle in our universe that normally other people cannot interfere with whatever one pursues and wants for oneself."

Teacher said during his lecture, "Teaching the Fa at the 2002 Fa Conference in Philadelphia, U.S.A,"

"As I've said, everything that happens today in the ordinary society is the result of Dafa disciples' thoughts."

I studied the Fa every day and even remembered the Fa by heart. However, I did not live by the Fa and my behavior was not governed by the Fa, so I failed to melt into the Fa. When one fails to melt into the Fa, they have not yet met the standard.

Teacher said,

"Let each and every thing be measured against the Fa.
Only then, with that, is it actually cultivation." ("Solid Cultivation" from "Hong Yin")

Therefore, I was still an everyday person on this issue. In other words, I had an attachment to being imprisoned - because my notion was in line with the old forces, not the Fa. It showed that I had always been on a path filled with great tests and tribulations, which were arranged by the old forces. It was for this reason that I was repeatedly imprisoned and persecuted.

For example:

(1) In late 1999 I planned to go to Beijing to appeal, so I terminated my business and told my accountant, "Please settle all my accounts. Since I am a Falun Gong practitioner I have to clarify the truth, therefore I will be persecuted and imprisoned." Teacher asks us to clarify the truth. Going to Beijing to appeal is to validate the Fa and clarify the truth. Then why should a good person be persecuted? Teacher did not say we must go to prison. (At that time Teacher's new article "Rationality" hadn't been published). Didn't I behave counter to Teacher's Fa? I was imprisoned as a result of my incorrect thought. This was like agreeing to be imprisoned.

(2) Teacher said in Zhuan Falun,

"Of course, we have said that one gets into trouble because one's own values and mind are not correct or righteous."

The night before I left for Beijing, a practitioner who had arrived earlier phoned me saying, "Don't take too much money with you. You only need enough money for the train fare to Beijing, because all of us will be arrested and sent to the Beijing office of our respective provinces. Then we will be sent back home, and all of our money will be confiscated." I believed this practitioner and did as I was told. As a result our notions came in line with the old forces and we walked on the path arranged by the old forces. As a result we did not even get to Beijing, but were arrested at a practice site on the outskirts of Beijing.

(3) In 2000, when I went to Beijing for the second time, there were many police officers and plainclothes police on the street leading to the Appeals Office. I thought at the time, "Teacher, please help me get into the Appeals Office and finish filling out the forms before I get arrested." What a naïve and ridiculous thought that was! As a result I was arrested and transferred from one detention center to the other. Didn't I ask to be arrested? I am very upset with myself for my poor enlightenment at that time.

For so many years I walked on the path arranged by the old forces, lost personal freedom, lost a lot of precious time in saving sentient beings and made Teacher and the guardian gods of the Fa anxious, because they were unable to do anything to help me. Teacher said in His article, "Further Elimination of Attachments"

"My disciples! Master is very worried, but this cannot help! Why can't you abandon ordinary human attachments? Why are you so reluctant to take a step forward?" (Essentials for Further Advancement)

I was not wrong in going to Beijing to appeal. Why should the police be allowed to arrest me? No, they were not! Then why didn't I negate them? Why didn't I think from within the Fa? In essence it was the issue of whether I still firmly believed in the Fa. Didn't Teacher protect me? Yes, however Teacher only protects practitioners, not everyday people. At that time, although I was a practitioner in name, actually my xinxing and my deeds were still that of a non-practitioner. What Teacher really protects are Dafa practitioners. I could only blame myself for not studying the Fa in a down-to-earth manner and for my poor enlightenment quality. Since my thoughts and deeds were not in accordance with the Fa I left loopholes for the old forces to take advantage.

2. My Thoughts Conformed to the Old Forces, So I Did Not Act Rationally, but Instead Went to Extremes

Teacher said in "Rationality"

"Validate the Fa with rationality, clarify the truth with wisdom, spread the Fa and save people with mercy--this is establishing the mighty virtue of an Enlightened Being." (Essentials for Further Advancement II)

What about me? When I went to the newspaper office with other practitioners to clarify the truth in 1999, we talked about the benefits we received after practicing Falun Gong, and about how the television and newspapers confused black and white. We hoped the newspaper would publish positive reports on Falun Gong. After their staff kindly asked us to leave, one of the practitioners strongly requested to talk to the editor-in-chief. At that time I also did not act from within the Fa, but used human notions to walk my cultivation path. Although I knew clearly that the practitioner was not kind and not within the Fa, I failed to stop him. I also failed to ask other practitioners to leave. As a result the police were called and we were all detained.

One day in 2002, I received a phone call quite unexpectedly from a friend from my hometown. The practitioner asked me to leave home immediately, because a practitioner from my hometown was arrested while handing out truth-clarification materials. During the interrogation he told police that he got the material from me, so the police were on their way to arrest me. I said, "Rest assured, I will be alright. They have no say in the matter." (I was assured about my attitude, since I disintegrated the evil beings many times with righteous thoughts when confronting my would-be arrestors. I actually foiled their persecution of me. Therefore, subconsciously I started to have an attachment to showing-off.)

When I then sat down to send forth righteous thoughts a family member's colleague visited me (and I did not realize that this was interference). I was busy playing a truth-clarification VCD for her when, about ten minutes later, the local police arrived. When they found that I was home they asked me to come to the police station. I thought I could clarify the truth to them and disintegrate the evil factors while I was there. My actions were not in accordance with the Fa. Teacher said in "Dafa Disciples' Righteous Thoughts are Powerful," published in 2001:

"No matter what the situation, do not cooperate with the evil's demands, orders, or what it instigates."

During the many of times of my detention many police were present, and each time I clarified the truth, so they all knew the truth of Falun Gong. Since I cooperated with the evil people, Teacher's law bodies and the guardian gods of the Fa were anxious but unable to do anything. I attracted the officials from the 610 Office, policemen from the National Security Departments, the police sub-bureaus and police sub-stations both locally and from my hometown. They ransacked my house and videotaped it, which resulted in a big loss of truth-clarification materials. I was taken to a detention center.

After being detained I found my loophole and rectified my thoughts in line with the Fa. I held a hunger strike, was force-fed, suffered the cruel torture of the "dead person's bed," and was handcuffed and shackled. I almost died there. Two weeks later I eliminated the evil forces and returned to the current of Fa-rectification. Fellow practitioners suspected me of being a spy. Some practitioners left whenever they saw me. Some practitioners phoned my mother in an attempt to find out if I had gone over to the opposite side. Still, some practitioners said they did not believe I had such strong righteous thoughts to enter and leave the police department just like visiting my mother's home. At that time I did not care about all these remarks, but now when recalling all of this, I feel so embarrassed. Teacher said,

"We have a practitioner who broke a few needles at a hospital. In the end, the liquid medicine squirted out, and the needle still would not penetrate. He came to understand: ‘Oh, I'm a practitioner, and I shouldn't have injections.'" (Zhuan Falun)

Why would I always send out very powerful righteous thoughts after I was arrested, yet fail to have such powerful righteous thoughts when I was at home? Because according to my notions, I thought that only when I was imprisoned would it count as persecution. As a matter of fact, the environment we live in under the persecution is like one big invisible cage.

One day in late 2002, at a time when I was forced to become homeless to avoid being arrested and persecuted, someone knocked at my door. I saw two females and one male through the peephole. All of them were young people. I saw another man only as the group was leaving. When a security guard questioned them regarding their reason for visiting me and asked them to leave their contact number so that when I came back I could contact them, they said viciously, "Mind your own business!" I also found that there was a police car downstairs. After analyzing the situation I was sure that these people harbored evil intentions. At the time three practitioners were at my residence. The male practitioner suggested that we should leave immediately. However, one of the female practitioners said, "It's a false phenomena so we must totally negate it." I was not on the Fa, and I followed other people, and failed to follow the Fa. I also thought it was better for us to leave at once. However, owing to showing respect for the female practitioner's feelings, and being afraid that fellow practitioners would think I had the attachment of fear, I mistakenly thought it was a false situation. I also thought it was Teacher's arrangement to let the male practitioner leave. (This male practitioner, from another part of China, had a strong attachment to fear. I had tried my best to help him, however, there was not much improvement at that time. Out of selfishness, I was afraid he might hinder the Fa rectification process, and feared that the Falun Dafa materials production site would be at risk because he was not righteous). As a result, the male practitioner left safely in the afternoon of the same day. One of the female practitioners and I were arrested two days later and our houses were ransacked. The persecution I suffered during the subsequent detention was extremely evil. Although I walked out of the evil den after one month of hunger strike, my health was ruined. It took me six months to recover. Six months was a long time. I delayed a lot of opportunities to save sentient beings.

I feel frightened when I recall the tortures today. This was illegal persecution of me, which was not arranged by Teacher, but by the old forces. In my final analysis, all of this persecution was the result of my own irrationality. Every time, Teacher gave me a hint. Teacher said,

"My fashen will stop you and give you hints. If it finds out that you are always like that, it will no longer take care of you." (Zhuan Falun)

It is not wrong to regard ourselves as high beings, but we are confined to an everyday people's environment. Thinking otherwise would be no different from the situation Teacher described,

"There was a person who was walking on the street with my book in his hand, yelling, ‘I have Teacher Li's protection, so I'm not afraid of being hit by a car.' That was undermining Dafa. This type of person will not be protected. Actually, a true practitioner will not do such a thing." (Zhuan Falun)

"Being afraid" and "rationality" are two completely different issues, but being rational doesn't necessarily mean that you still have a human heart of fear. Only when you are on the Fa will rationality bring you safety, and only when there is rationality can we do a better job in saving sentient beings.

3. Validating Myself, Not the Fa

During my long period of my detention, I thought I did not compromise and was steadfast in the Fa. However, I forgot the grand vows I had made before history, which included saving sentient beings, not just improving myself and reaching personal consummation. If I were imprisoned then who would shoulder the task of saving sentient beings? This clearly showed that I was still not clear on the Fa principles.

Being severely persecuted doesn't mean I have cultivated well. Neither does being imprisoned for a long period of time. As a matter of fact, it is the manifestation of not cultivating well. Teacher said in "Shed the Human Mindset" (A Dangerous Phenomenon That Calls for Our Attention)

"The most prominent manifestation of this is the severe persecution many students face as a result of their strong human mindset and lack of righteous thoughts."

Teacher also said,

"Cultivation practice is extremely arduous and very serious." (Zhuan Falun)

Fellow practitioners, let's understand the Fa from the Fa, use organ harvesting from live practitioners to expose the nature of the evil Party and do a better job in saving sentient beings. Let's also do a better job in rescuing our fellow practitioners while letting go of our human notions and doing the three things well.

Please kindly help me understand any shortcomings I may have.