(Minghui.org) Since I started practicing Falun Dafa, the most difficult issue for me was to get rid of my attachment to qing. It became a test of life and death for me.
Although I cultivated for more than a decade and had eliminated much of my qing, I still felt I wasn't determined enough in my cultivation.
Since I was a child, I regarded the ties of friendship as the true meaning of life. I paid a lot of attention to my mother every day. Therefore, in an adult's eyes, I was a filial child. Every time my mother mentioned me to others, she was proud that I was a person who valued qing as very important. After I grew up, my friends and relatives respected me because I looked upon friendship very highly. I even regarded qing and friendship as an integral part of life.
Understanding My Attachment to Qing
However, after I started practicing Dafa, I found that others' qing suddenly became cold, which let me down. I didn't know what to do. My parents, brothers, sisters, friends, and relatives all hurt me. They were kind to me in the past, so why did they hurt me now, even though I treated them better than I did before? Although I knew that for a cultivator, one must pass the test of qing, I was always confused by qing.
While being held in a detention center, I went on a hunger strike for eight days. When my mother cried and fainted in front of me, I had heartfelt pain. Master clearly hinted to me that I was wrong to do so, but I still chose qing. While in a labor camp, I knew a practitioner who pretended to act like a fool in order to be released earlier. This brought a negative reputation to Dafa, but I still chose qing to disclose it. I found that my behavior generated deep karma and trouble. I felt pained.
Later my mom came to the labor camp again and tried to force me to give up my cultivation. She kneeled down on the ground to beg me, but this time my mind wasn't moved. I chose not to give up Dafa!
After I came out of the labor camp and was back home, I noticed that my child behaved badly. I almost begged her to be good. But she pointed her finger at me and cursed me; I was too sad to live. All these things that constantly happened were related to my attachment to qing.
I knew that it tried to destroy my belief in Dafa, and I struggled with it. Although I had heartfelt pain, I never wanted to give up Dafa. I spent three years in this cultivation state.
One day, I watched a film about Sakyamuni. He had a disciple named Arnan, who was lost in the maze of qing and had almost no chance to return to his true-self. On the eve before Sakyamuni 's nirvana, Sakyamuni sent stereo sound to Arnan: “Come back, Arnan.” Arnan finally came back and became a genuine disciple of Sakyamuni. A sound from deep in my heart told me: “Don't give up!”
Compassionate Master gave me a hint again. That night I had a dream: my Primordial Spirit left my body, saw that I was in a deep sleep, and looked very worried. Suddenly, Master's Fashen (law body) appeared in front of me. Master looked at me and said in a heavy tone: “My child, it's time to go, why don't you get up?” I heard Master's sigh, and His tears dropped... When seeing this, my Primordial Spirit cried.
At that unforgettable time, I finally awakened. My heart was deeply moved, and I cried. I reviewed my cultivation again from a new angle. I found a diligent me again. After that, I was able to calmly study the Fa. Because I was deeply moved, I understood further the meaning of Master's teaching: “Qing is the fundamental source for the breeding of attachments.” (“Teaching the Fa and Answering Questions in Guangzhou” in Zhuan Falun Fajie The Law of Zhuan Falun Explained)
Letting Compassion Replace Qing
I sent forth righteous thoughts for a long time to eliminate all the factors related to qing in my dimension. Not long after, Master's Fashen came to my home again, and Master helped me relinquish many qing substances. Since then, I have strictly checked my little shifts in thought and behavior. I did my best to think about others first and let compassion replace qing.
Later when doing the three things, I again encountered the interference of qing. However, I became rational, although sometimes I still couldn't reach the level of not wavering.
Recently, I was editing the materials about disintegrating the evil. Each time the editing job reached a critical moment, my mother would have severe illness and need to see the doctor in the city. As usual my brothers and sisters went with her. I couldn't avoid going with her, but I was busy editing the urgent material. So I thought about what I should do. I used my divine side and supernatural capability with righteous thoughts, that Master gives, to clean out all evil factors that interfered with my doing the three things. It immediately affected and changed the situation. One of my relatives got sick on the way to take my mom to the hospital. He had to stay in my house for a day, so I had an excuse, and could stay home and edit the material.
When the job was nearly done and I was going to send the file out, a non-practitioner friend called me and was crying. She asked me to come over because her life was in danger. She wanted me to clear out the evil. I knew that the evil was scared of the material I edited. I comforted my friend and asked her to chant, “Falun Dafa is good.” I told her nothing bad would happen. She stopped crying.
Choosing the Divine Mind to Be in Charge
One time when I was editing the material about disintegrating brainwashing classes, my mother suddenly broke her leg. The x-ray film showed that she had a femur fracture and required immediate surgery. I wondered: “My mom needs urgent care; could I stay at home?” My mind clearly knew that if I left home I would have stepped into the evil's trap. I knew this was a choice between a human notion and a divine mind. I chose the divine mind to be in charge of me. I sent forth righteous thoughts and discussed it with my mom. In the end, my mom agreed I could go there later.
While I was glad I let go of my qing to family, another thing happened. One day, while working on an important aspect of the editing job, news came that my younger sister (who lived in another city) suddenly took a poisonous pill to commit suicide. She was sent to a hospital, but was still in a coma. Her three children accompanied her to the hospital and were crying badly. I thought: “Shall I go see her? What shall I do?” I then shared my concern with another practitioner. The practitioner comforted and encouraged me, making me feel a lot better.
I couldn't fall asleep that night, and I thought a lot. I asked myself: “Why do I always encounter a test of qing at critical times? This indicates that my cultivation isn't firm enough.” I believe each person has his or her own fate; the law of the cosmos is fair! So I decided not to go to see my sister at that moment, I would go after all the editing jobs would be done. Unexpectedly, the next day my sister was out of danger, and she recovered after a period of time.
Looking back over more than a decade of cultivation, when I faced every test of qing, I still couldn't reach the state where my heart was unmoved. Although I couldn't completely let go of qing, I still chose to follow Master. I also have hope. I believe that under Master's protection and caring, I definitely will overcome it.
