(Minghui.org) My showing-off mentality had a long history, and was deeply rooted. Prior to cultivation, I thought that one’s purpose in life was to validate oneself, and I had strong show-off mentality and jealousy. I also had a strong personality, and would often want to gain the upper hand, and I treated it as a good thing. I would consequently often do things to the extreme.
My show-off mentality made me overlook cultivating my speech, and I was not concerned about it when talking. Instead, I liked to boost myself and talk non-stop. It was just like what Master said:
“There are some people who also spread the hearsay among one another with a great deal of interest, as though they are well-informed, and as though so many of our students do not understand or know as much as they do. It has become natural for them, and perhaps they do not realize it themselves.” (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun)
When sharing with other practitioners, I once mentioned that a certain practitioner liked to show off and would not stop talking. The practitioners who heard my words all laughed. One young practitioner looked at me, and as soon as I finally stopped, she said, “The way you talk is no different than her.” I felt ashamed and became speechless.
Some of my teeth were not in good shape. Last year, a back tooth became completely loose. The dentist said that I had severe periodontitis and had to clean it from the root to save other teeth. The treatment of deep removal of calculus from the roots of the teeth was painful. They said that all teeth would get looser with age and become worse if left untreated. After each scraping, I had to get stitches on my gums, which was very painful. I was in so much pain that didn’t want to talk or eat.
Afterward, I said to my cultivator husband, “What kind of sin have I committed?! How much have I said that I wasn’t supposed to say that ended up hurting others?” When I was young, I was a strong woman and would say whatever came to my mind, regardless of whether the other party would accept it or not, plus I had no knowledge of how to protect my teeth. Now getting stitches in my gums, I felt like my teeth were being tortured.
After having cultivated for more than 20 years, I finally realized that showing off was manifested in my every thought. For example, when I was folding a quilt and laying out the pillow cover, I unconsciously had the thought of looking at how well I did it. When I recited the Fa without difficulty, I couldn’t help but think about how well I recited. When I put on cheap clothes and felt good-looking, I thought about how good my temperament was, so much so that even cheap clothes would look quite expensive on me. When my work performance was good, I would think that I was capable and had done a good job.
When I recited “The Mentality of Showing Off” in Lecture Six of Zhuan Falun, I suddenly realized that everything in one’s life, i.e. the so-called wisdom and abilities, were given by Dafa. My life was also given by Dafa’s Master. So why did I have a need to show off? Show off to whom? What’s there to show off? I put myself in the first place, as opposed to putting Dafa first. Wasn’t I being disrespectful to Master and to Dafa?
As I thought about it, I was sweating. I recalled that a practitioner’s experience article I read mentioned that her righteous thoughts in making break-throughs in her cultivation were a result of being strengthened by Master, as opposed how capable she was. It felt as if her article was aimed at me, and I felt extremely regretful to have read it. I quietly began to read Zhuan Falun. In comparing myself to this passage of Fa, I felt so ashamed that I almost cried.
I should have realized this aspect of the issue a long time ago. In the past, I only paused at the point where I realized I had an issue, without looking at it further. Moreover, I felt that my enlightenment quality was fairly good. This show-off mentality existed in my dimensional field, which played a negative effect. The old forces made use of my attachment by strengthening it to interfere with my cultivation and add more tribulations to me. I can now completely see the damage it can cause. I will eliminate and dismantle it without hesitation!
During the process of constantly revisiting this issue and looking inward, I suddenly remembered that many years ago, my cultivator mother-in-law lost the ability to take care of herself. I now know it was triggered by my show-off mentality, which was particularly strong back then.
Years ago, a relative’s daughter came of age to find a mate. Because I could talk well, I was invited to the young man’s home for a blind-date meeting. Parents and the referring person were present. I was able to talk to every single one of the guests, and the whole house was filled with laughter. The atmosphere was very lively. I was also very excited that night. I concluded that I wouldn’t be embarrassed in any situation, as I was really eloquent. On the way back, the referring person said I had acted quite crazily. I was a little unhappy about that comment and thought, “How could you say that about me?” But I didn’t think more about it.
When I got home, I told my mother-in-law, who was still awake, about how good the atmosphere was at the matchmaking meeting that day. Of course, I didn’t forget to brag about how good I was at creating a great atmosphere. It was the middle of summer, and the weather was very hot. My mother-in-law was lying in bed, and an electric fan was blowing in the direction of her head. While listening to my colorful descriptions, she was also very happy and laughed. Due to my excessive excitement, I felt that my heart was beating so fast that I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time.
The next morning, while doing the fourth exercise with my mother-in-law, I unintentionally opened my eyes, and saw that she was leaning forward with her head dropping. When it was time for her to lift her body in the exercise movement, instead of doing so, she fell down. I quickly called her name, and I had my husband help me carry her to sit on the couch. She was soaked with sweat and vomited. She was taken to the hospital in the afternoon.
After she was discharged from the hospital, she was never again able to take care of herself. In the past over a decade, this created great tribulations for me and my husband. When my mother-in-law was young, she had high blood pressure and often felt dizzy, but after she started practicing Dafa, she stopped feeling dizzy. Last year, she passed away amidst her serious illness karma tribulation.
I often recalled the process of her falling down. On such a hot day, if not for my strong zealotry and showing off to her with great excitement, perhaps she wouldn’t have fallen down. Afterwards, some relatives blamed me, saying that I shouldn’t have gotten her so excited on such a hot day.
More than a decade later, I still felt regret when thinking about it, and I sometimes wanted to seize upon my show-off mentality, but I failed to completely get rid of it. This attachment had all kinds of manifestations. When I paid attention to eliminating one manifestation of it, another one surfaced. I tried to inhibit my showing off about how capable I was, but when other people praised me a little, I still felt happy inside.
Subconsciously, I often wanted others to pay attention to me. It wasn’t always obvious, but rather hidden and mixed in with other attachments, such as hearing others praise me for my good image, for being well-dressed, and looking young. I would be quite happy to hear those. I often used an app to shop for clothing, and even if I didn’t buy anything, I looked to see how to combine clothing pieces. On the surface, I wanted to look good, but deep down, it came down to lust. The show-off mentality also brought about zealotry, not cultivating my speech, not speaking truthfully, and lacking true kindness.
After I realized it, I deleted the shopping app from my phone. During the first five minutes of cleansing myself in sending righteous thoughts, I would try to eliminate my show-off mentality, zealotry, not cultivating my speech, attachment to ego, and selfishness. I also strengthened one thought in my mind: “My true self seeks to assimilate to Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance, it’s compassionate and kind, it’s without any complaints or hatred, and treats hardship as joy, which is selfless.” When my attachments were so strong that I couldn’t dispel them, I recited Master’s words:
““I’m Li Hongzhi’s disciple, I don’t want other arrangements or acknowledge them”” (“Teachings Given on Lantern Festival Day, 2003”)
I can now see through many kinds of manifestations of the show-off mentality. When it’s about to pop up, I subdue it and turn it around by thinking to myself: “I’m only a small, tiny particle in the universe. It was Master who created everything in me. I only want kind thoughts, as opposed to showing off.” When I recited the Fa very well, I have the thoughts: “Eliminate notions of showing-off, eliminate notions of fame, self-interest, and sentimentality, and use Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance to fulfill me!”
I came to realize that putting one’s heart into Fa-study shouldn’t be only lip service. When one can truly keep the Fa in one’s heart, one will have righteous thoughts come forth, and one’s true self will be in charge.
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Category: Improving Oneself
